Hippies 'R (or 'Rnt) Us

I've spent a good part of the past month coming to terms with various accusations as to the nature of one aspect of my character - my hippieness. Having recently graduated from college with a liberal arts degree and having returned to the Heifer Ranch to work on an organic farm, my hippieness is a matter of internal and external speculation. Am I a hippie? My hair is of the longish persuasion, I admit, but I shower and shave at least once every couple of days. I often cook vegetarian dinners, but commonly order meat at restaurants. I wear blue jeans almost invariably and am uncomfortable in a tie, but I recently had some things dry-cleaned. I play ultimate frisbee on a team that wears skirts, but we also win fairly big-time tournaments. I like oatmeal porters and pale ales with dinner, but I'm not afraid to shotgun a PBR when the time comes. Herein lies my confusion.

A sampling of definitions of 'hippy' (alternately spelled 'hippie') from the urban dictionary: "Someone who has a bright outlook on life and cares about the world instead of trying to ruin it." "A person who opposes and rejects many of the conventional standards and customs of society, especially one who advocates extreme liberalism in sociopolitical attitudes and lifestyles." "Someone who is really laid back, can wear crazy psychodelic colors, uses words like 'dude', 'trippin' and 'woa' in their everyday vocabulary...Goes crazy for cookies." "Someone who wants to change the world for the better but is to lazy or to stoned to do it." From these eloquent definitions and from my own personal experience, I gather that 'hippy' is a term loosely tossed around by those unfamiliar with the complexities associated with hippiedom. Their propensity to scoff at a white dude with nappy dreads or to write off a PIRG rep as a wayward soul, is evidence of a simple lack of understanding. In their eye, all hippies are one in the same - all to be viewed as misguided, ineffectual, and, worst of all, dirty. To correct this misrepresentation, I need not list the many things hippies have done to positively change life for non-hippies, things like organic food aisles in Kroger, medical marijuana, and biodiesel. These are common knowledge, if commonly ignored as such. No, what needs to happen here is a complete breakdown of the conceptual Universal Hippie into its many different manifestations thereof. At best, we can hope for peace, love, and happiness between and among hippies and non-hippies. At worst, we'll all just have a more detailed means of stereotyping.

So without further ado, I present to you the Five Degrees of Hippy:

Stupid Hippy - Generally slower than average in most daily activities, most notably speech, often due in part to recreational drug use and/or a naturally easygoing approach to life. Commonly found listening to or talking about Bob Marley or the String Cheese Incident, and a regular at large jam-band music festivals. Unassuming and rarely bothersome, these types often have the ability but lack the desire to be productive members of society beyond the occasional signature on a petition to legalize marijuana. Items associated: hackysack, Bob Marley poster, conga drum.
Dirty Hippy - Similar to but sketchier than the 'stupid hippy'. Rarely showers or changes clothes, often not out of laziness but rather gross inattention to personal care. This trait also usually results in experimentation with/addiction to harder drugs than those of the 'stupid hippie.' Shifty eyes, rapid speech, and lack of sense of humor are common.

Urban Hippy - Also known as the 'Yippy'. Demographically diverse, including recent college graduates working in food service and divorced thirty-somethings. Often found at bars in old, historic districts of cities discussion the shallowness of the people in the bars in areas of new development. Items associated: retro t-shirts (sometimes thrift store purchase, sometimes throwbacks from Urban Outfitters), VWs with anti-war bumperstickers, and the occasional newborn baby.

Old Hippy - Need I define this one? Long, gray hair, loose clothing, propensity to close eyes, swirl arms, and break hips when dancing at rock concerts played by people of similar age. Items associated: AARP card.

F*%#in' Hippy - Most extreme version of the modern 'hippy.' Often reside in communal (filthy) living quarters, wear communal (dirty) clothes, eat communal (vegan) food, do communal (hallucinogenic) drugs, protest (get naked and picket) the abuse of animals, speak in communal (moronic) dialect, and generally live in communal (alien/out-of-touch/a-few-screws-loose-in-the-operating-structure) reality. Not to rag on them too hard - I see the underlying validity in most of their thinking...they're usually pretty harmless, and they mean well. Just a bit lacking in the follow through, know what I mean? Items associated: few, if any...probably gave most of their items to the local Salvation Army before retreating to a nude colony in desert.

This list is far from exhaustive, and I welcome your comments to help further refine it. Where do I fall on this chart? Will I remain on this chart, or will I return to the suburban ranks of my WASPy forefathers and learn to appreciate the beauty of the box store, the magnificence of free market capitalism? Well, I've got some idea, but your predictions are more fun.